February 5th, 2013

 I know a lot of people don't look at my blog and it may not be popular. However the drive to my writing is to journal for my posterity. This is a journal entry that I cannot pass up nor ignore happened to me.

 What does 2/5/2013 have to do with me? Well, I will s...l...o...w...l...y type and tell you. This was the day that I was due with my 3rd baby.Which means I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. It has been tough to talk about with just anybody. I feel like posting it on here is the final healing process for me. 

 It's one of those things that you NEVER EVER think will happen to you. Nor do you know how hard it is to go through until you try to get pregnant, become pregnant and then LOSE your child. I know that some people think they have had one but they weren't trying so it wasn't that bad.....that doesn't count ok! Does not.

 It took a while to convince myself that I was ready for number three. Having two children pushed me to my limits through thick and thin. I love the age gap between my girls......now but haven't always. Sometimes I thought I was crazy. I work so hard in-between my pregnancies to get back to what I feel like is Tara Leavitt....mentally but so much more physically. The last time I had a C-Section it scarred me so bad.....I freaked out.....it was awful....catch my drift yet? While I was recovering in the hospital with Lyla I asked my doc how my uterus looked & everything. He told me it looked thin....He said it was a little odd it had thinned out after only 2 kids. Also my bladder had attached itself to another organ....what the heck?? (he wasn't concerned about that though. I asked if I could have anymore and he said "Sure I'm not gonna tell you that your done, but there might be a limit on the number of children". He also said that my next baby would have to be taken at 37 weeks if it was healthy to avoid my uterus rupturing. Another fact that has scared me. I thought for at least a year I wouldn't/couldn't do that EVER again. But, around March I was sitting in Evelyn's room watching the girls play together. And the Holy Ghost whispered to me there is at least one more little spirit that is waiting to come down and join our family. It hit me like a ton of bricks that feeling. Once you get that as a mother it doesn't go away and can't be ignored either. 

 Since I thought this might be my last one....we wanted to wait to tell people. The waiting only lasted about three weeks since we found out. Usually my mom knows when I am thinking of trying again and my sisters but Trent and I kept it to ourselves and we had a hoot doing it as well.  

 For some reason I was excited I was pregnant but was always worried about that baby and if it was ok....I just felt a little off and different from my last pregnancies.  That being said we had told some family members around 6 weeks of being prego. About a week later I started to bleed, I knew something was wrong.....because it was like a period... I was preparing for the worst. I called the doc a week before to make my first appointment. By this time I was glad I had one so that I could get some answers. I took Evelyn to my Monday appointment and left Lyla with my Mom, it was so much easier without her..life saver. 

 I met with a nurse and explained my past history with pregnancies and such. Then she asked how I was feeling. I told her about the bleeding and that I didn't think I was pregnant any more. She told me the best thing would be to do a Quant blood test to check the HCG level. She assured me it was very possible the baby was fine, and it's common for women to bleed like that. I went home still wondering the condition of my baby. A little doubtful, until I received a call the next day (Tues.) the same nurse told me I had a high HCG number and I am still pregnant. But, for safety reasons I needed to do another Quant test Wed. to make sure my numbers went up. They were very nice to not make me drive back to St. George. I only had to go to Mesquite to do it. I went in still a little skeptical the outcome would be good. But, had hope from the previous convo I had with the nurse not even 24 hours ago. They took my blood and I went home waiting for the results. I called all of my sisters to keep them informed. While talking to my sister Kendra the nurse called me...so I got off with Kendra and said I would call her back. 

 "Hello....the nurse identified herself then took a deep breathe before telling me the news. "Tara, we got the quant results back and well.....it doesn't look good. Your number went from 241 to 84. That indicates to us that you will lose this baby and your body is rejecting it. I am so sorry". She said I had to do another quant test on Friday. I tried to be as cheery and normal as I could on the phone thanked her and hung up. Called Kendra right back and really really lost it in tears. She was great to talk to. I had a tough time not having my mom close, she was at girls camp and had no service.....it felt unfair I couldn't cry to my mother. So my sisters got to hear it. I was so grateful to have the support of my family. Thurs. I started another heavy bleeding period. So I knew this was it. 

So Friday I made the drive to the hospital in Mesquite and got the quant test once again. About 5 hours passed by, and I couldn't take the suspense (not that I thought the results were any different) so I called the doc's office she hadn't heard back from the hospital so she said she would call me back. Ring Ring: "Tara, your number dropped to 41 now....be on the lookout for tissue like stuff to come out, that will be the baby if you haven't already passed it. Take a pregnancy test in about 2-3 weeks and if its negative your ok. If it's not call us".
 And then came the WAIT....WHICH WAS THE HARDEST PART OF ALL. DID I PASS MY BABY ALREADY?? WILL I HAVE TO HAVE A D&C? IS THIS OVER WITH YET?
 I was able to avoid a D&C and finally got over with it. I feel like my body is still recovering from it all. It has really helped me to talk to friends that have also dealt with losing a baby. Whenever you think your life is too hard, you hear of others who have it tougher than you do. I am so grateful for friends that I can lean on.
Miscarriages are SO EMOTIONAL, THEY JUST TEAR YOU APART, AND YOU WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG OR WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY....WHEN IT REALLY IS UP TO THE LORD, AND HIS PLAN FOR YOU. I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO GROW TROUGH THIS TRIAL TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MYSELF AND TO FEEL HIS LOVE FOR ME.
**I am grateful for the experience now and wouldn't take it back. Yesterday I was outside with Evelyn and I asked her what she wanted or liked. I just wanted to start a good conversation with her. She said..."Well, I just want a baby so badly, I want you and Daddy to have one. They are just so cute and tiny. I already have a sister and now I really need a brother....OK". I just started smiling she is so sweet and I can't believe how grown up she is getting to be. The spirit touched my heart with love. I told her someday I hope we can have a little boy in our family. But, we might not and that I loved her and Lyla & Daddy so much. I hope to have  a normal healthy pregnancy again. And I would love a boy and keep dreaming about one, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. My girls are my world and are so fun to have. I am counting my blessings everyday:)

10 Things About Our Week...

1)Trent and I started off the week sick. He stayed home from work Monday, we had some type of stomach bug...felt yucky but never threw up. This lasted a few days for both of us. We thought the girls were probably in the clearing to not get it. The virus didn't want to leave yet. By Wed. Lyla started getting a fever, (I thought here we go) but she never threw up or anything. Got a little cough with her fever. Next Evelyn got a really bad fever then.....SHE PUKED EVERYWHERE. So we put her into the bathtub. I was just talking to my sister in law Annie the day before and she told me about THIS . It really calms your stomach down. I went and grabbed this at Sage health. As soon as we put Evelyn in the bath I gave her this right away. It calmed her stomach down right away and she never threw up again. I love it and think anyone who has kids could benefit from having it. We are still not back to normal over here, but close.
2)Sat. our little family headed to St. George to run some errands. We dropped off a big load at DI....love the feeling!! Then went to Cafe Rio for lunch...YUMMO! Then went to Lowes...the girls had a blast there with Daddy running around while I  shopped for curtains and spray paint. Got some fabulous curtains for Lyla's room but the ones we got for the front room are a no -go. It's not a big deal to have to take something back when your live close to the store but that's at least an hour drive there and an hour drive back. yugmujhkhjykyhgbkuyymngvgbhnhm bf (typed by one to the girls while I was laying on the couch. It was a really fun family outing. We love driving our fancy smancy car and doing errands together:)
3)This week I asked Evelyn why her friend Amy doesn't come play anymore. She said...."Mom....Amy isn't real I was just pretending she was....wow the confession that Amy was really a make believe friend. ha ha She is growing up so much. too much.
4)We found some new blackout curtains for Lyla's room, they are the cutest pattern and color. Only problem is....they don't block out that much light. Huge improvement on what she had though.
5)Today Trent & I could smell something that reeked on the couch...we searched and searched. Took the sectional apart and came to the conclusion that It have to have been milk from Evelyn's cup that spilled where they connect and spoiled there....yuck. I had the opportunity to clean it....lucky me...I AM ONE SECOND AWAY FROM THROWING THIS SECTIONAL OFF A CLIFF. I HAVE HAD IT ...CLEANING IT, AND FLUFFING THE CUSHIONS AND PICKING OUT THE FEATHERS. I ONLY DREAM OF BUYING A NEW COUCH SOMEDAY.....
6)I used to think Lyla didn't look much like me or Trent mostly me. When she was born at the hospital I jokingly said to Trent...(your sure she is ours right? as they pulled her out of me via c-section, "Tara I'm 100% sure!!) But every day she is starting to look more like Evelyn and I look at her lately and see me as a toddler....from photos. She makes faces where I think.....oh thats me in there. I love my girls so so much. They are so fun to have and really complete Trent & I.
7)Started to watch the Olympics I love the summer games. I really really love gymnastics and swimming. I can't believe how what they can do with their bodies...talk about hard training for years. THEY ARE THE COOLEST!!
8)I got this stuff called Honey Leather to detail the Denali's leather seats. Oh baby it really has changed the condition of them. They look fabulous now, but it was lots and lots of work...and like a sauna while I was doing it. I try to do anything to keep that car looking good. Because it's the nicest thing I have ever owned. It makes me feel good when I take care of it. My house may be messy but my car is clean..haha!
9)I have been playing around with my new light and I can't wait to use it!
10)We also went swimming at my friend Shelby's house again. It was lots of fun...she keeps it so clean and the girls love it there. Oh how I dream of a poooool.

Weekly 10...

1)We had a family bday party for Lyla on Sat. Guests included: My mom & dad, my brother Josh's three girls Cameron, Carys, & Afton (who were visiting from Canada), Elliah & Jeremiah's family. Ty & Annie & their girls, Rod & Camille, Joyce & Ron, Elwyn & Verla, Taryn & Shanefrom both sides. I stayed up really late to blow up the balloons I hung from the ceiling pics soon to come. I get so stressed being the host of a big party. But it was fun to see everyone, Lyla got some sweet toys. And we had brownies, fruit pizza, & icecream. YUMMO!
2)Evelyn got a big gash on her head and right under her eye from a picture frame falling from a shelf. Her and Lyla were trying to get something down from the shelf, I felt so bad. She was really lucky it didn't hit her eye. I felt awful she still has a scab on her scalp.
3)Lyla has been a different child this week. It's like she knows she is two and well, she is working hard at driving me crazy. She has been picking on Evelyn (which I admit is kinda funny, I always told Evelyn one day Lyla would get her back), she throws a fit for EVERYTHING. On the positive note she is talking so much more and loves to sing songs with me. Her new favorite line that I love is: "Eban (Evelyn) where are you?? hmmmmmmmmm "! Whenever she looks for stuff, she says this. Oh I love love it and her so much. She still has her super sweet moments. She also says, Ow Ow Ow when I brush her hair, I just tell her I am making pretty hair, ha ha.
4)Trent made it on a fourwheeler ride with his brother Tyson and friend Jed Wheeler. They had a blast and I am glad when Trent goes riding with others so he isn't by himself. Plus it really makes him happy:) He needs a boy someday I think....
5)DRUMROLL PLEASE.........................I GOT THIS LIGHT Einstien E640 AM AM STOKED ABOUT IT. I HAVE BEEN WANTING A LIGHT FOR MY PHOTOGRAPHY FOR YEARS. I CONSIDERED MY SISTER IN LAW TARYN'S WEDDING THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY. IT IS REALLY GONNA MAKE ME REACH TO NEW HEIGHTS NOW. I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOOT WITH IT. AFTER LOTS OF RESEARCH I FOUND THIS BEAUTY AND KNOW IT IS A GREAT MATCH FOR ME. PHOTO-SHOOTS ANYONE? CHECK OUT MY PURE BLISS PHOTOGRAPHY WEBSITE!
6)Hid out inside this week due to the humid hot air outside, I can not wait for it to cool off here, we have amazing winters, that make the heat worth it. If I had a pool I would not be complaining much.
7)I take prenatal pills even when I am not prego because I think they are a good daily vitamin. I have been taking my crappy Walmart ones for years. Until I commented to my sister in law Annie how long her hair has gotten. She said she loves her prenatals and they have helped. I wanted to know what was different about them. So I started researching. I have been taking Perfect Prenatal Pills for about a week and wow, I feel great and have lots more energy throughout the day. Hoping it will help my hair grow better and shinier. I also ordered some fish oil prenatal ones that I love too. I now go into Sage Health here and drool, I never thought I would be like this 5 years ago. lol. I have been spending lots of money in there and on healthy products.
8)I have been busy spray painting a bunch of photo props. I have some really fun props for little kids. I am wanting to shoot more children and newborns, they are so fun. So I am doing a lot of bright colors for fun. They take lots of time to prep and paint but I am loving the results. Photos to come soon.
9)I ordered a dress for my Taryn & Shane's wedding and its too big. So, now onto another option. I am ready to go through my closet and get rid of whatever I haven't worn in the last year. Ready for some new stuff...I could probably afford more without having an interest in photography...lol.
10)Our little valley got shook this week with a horrible car accident that happened in Las Vegas. Thursday I was at Lins and saw Michael Palmer there I said hi to him and didn't think anything of it. (He graduated with me and we tend to talk to his family when we see them.) Then my friend April Drosos sent me a text asking if I knew who died in the Vegas crash, I had heard nothing about it. Next text...a mother and 3 year old died. Trent got online but we no names were available yet. Then April sent me back a name DANI FOX. Soon I could picture the family. They were in our ward a few months ago temporarily . Cody & Dani Fox (Michael's sister) and their 3 boys were traveling in a truck pulling a trailer when a back tire blew out on the truck. They lost control and rolled. Dani and her 3 year old boy were pronounced dead at the scene. THE STORY IS HERE . Then I thought about how I had just seen Michael and he apparently didn't know. I heard later that someone that was standing behind him in line in the grocery store & told him his sister died...What? How awful, your going about your errands and WHAM...NEWS LIKE THAT?  All I could think about is what I would do if that was me, and I lost Trent and a daughter. Life is so fragile, and it's sad that it's a takes wake up calls like that to remind us what is/isn't important in life. I do know that our loved ones, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints, and how I live my life matter most. You never can chance not being your very best every day. Not telling or showing your loved ones that you love them enough. Today I went to church and Dani & Michael's parents are in our ward. They were there as well as Michael and his small family, and his sisters and other relatives. It takes a lot for me to cry. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, tears, I was sniffling and trying to not smear my mascara for about 10 minutes. I had such a deep feeling of sadness and was so touched by them all coming to church together. The plan of salvation is such a strength when we are faced with death. It seemed there were specific things said just for them today. I was also touched by a young boy in our ward with down syndrome he was looking and smiling at everyone behind him. I was so thankful for those moments today and for the spirit I felt by seeing those people.

Weekly Ten...What Happened...

1)First things 1st, our little Lyla Jane turned 2 years old today!! Oh how I love my wittle Wyla. We started the morning off by opening presents, then went to church. Came home and ate, Lyla napped, Papa came over to eat dinner with us because Grammy was gone. Later Lyla woke up & we had cake and icecream. Before we could even cut the cake, she was taking full size bites out of it. Hilarious, and by the time I got my camera set up, she was just putting her finger in it and licking off the frosting. I was a little proud of my baking skills today. I made this neon colored cake, and my sister Kylee told me her buttercream frosting recipe. The best looking cake I have ever produced/presented to another human being. Thats sad when you look at the pic of it. We also set up this water table toy I got Lyla outside, as soon as she saw water she told Trent to take her shoes off, then climbed on it...we were laughing so hard, this girl loves the water. *Lyla's other presents included a bubble machine, Winnie the Pooh toy, & a bead runner. Not sure what those are called.
2)Trent and I snuck out to catch up with the Mob crew in Vegas. Last minute we got a babysitter thank you Maddy Messer, we will be stuck at home forever without you. We picked up Payden & Krista Anderson along with their baby and drove to Vegas in the craziest rain storm I have ever seen....PERIOD! We got to see our amazing friends Chase & Nicole Woods that live in AZ, and meet all the new babies. There was three there, 2 girls one boy. All of Trent's close friends are producing girls, except for Payden who has 2 boys. The girls huddled and so did the guys, they talked trucks, jobs, that stuff. We talked about mommyhood and our labor stories and so forth. Love those girls, I could talk to them all night. We got back around 1:00 yikes but we had an absolute blast. Thanks Dave & Lexi for the invite.
3)Sat we went to Ella Bowler's birthday party at the Logandale Pool, Trent had to work but the girls and I went. It was so fun. The girls love the water because of their new life jackets called puddle jumpers. One word sums them up AMAZING. It makes it so I don't have to hold the girls, I can let go and be free and the love the freedom, I love the safety. * I stole 2 pics from Ashley Bowler's blog from the party that had me and the girls in it.
4)Wed. we went swimming at my good friend Shelby Turner's house. Ok she has the ideal pool for children. Trent and I are going to build a pool asap. We had the funnest day together with all the other kids and swimming. The girls and I were in heaven. Lyla kept saying "Mom, I swimmin, I swimmin". Another amazing swimming experience due to our life jackets.
5)THIS IS HUGE, I ORDERED A LIGHT FOR MY PHOTOGRAPHY. I HAVE BEEN WANTING ONE OF THESE FOR YEARS MY FRIENDS......YEARS. SINCE I AM TAKING MY SISTER IN LAWS WEDDING I THOUGHT IT WAS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO GET ONE. AND A GOOD EXCUSE TOO. IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY DAY NOW. NOT CHEAP, BUT I KNOW IT WILL BE AN EXCELLENT TOOL TO IMPROVE MY PHOTOGRAPHY WORK.
6)We set up Evelyn's play tent in her room again, and the girls are in heaven. now i have to move out the table & chairs though. They are having so much fun playing together.
7)My father in law Rod got his surgery done on Thurs. He has prostate cancer but is doing well after surgery. He is a fabulous Grandpa/Father/Husband and we can't wait to pay him some visits when he gets home.