February 5th, 2013

 I know a lot of people don't look at my blog and it may not be popular. However the drive to my writing is to journal for my posterity. This is a journal entry that I cannot pass up nor ignore happened to me.

 What does 2/5/2013 have to do with me? Well, I will s...l...o...w...l...y type and tell you. This was the day that I was due with my 3rd baby.Which means I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. It has been tough to talk about with just anybody. I feel like posting it on here is the final healing process for me. 

 It's one of those things that you NEVER EVER think will happen to you. Nor do you know how hard it is to go through until you try to get pregnant, become pregnant and then LOSE your child. I know that some people think they have had one but they weren't trying so it wasn't that bad.....that doesn't count ok! Does not.

 It took a while to convince myself that I was ready for number three. Having two children pushed me to my limits through thick and thin. I love the age gap between my girls......now but haven't always. Sometimes I thought I was crazy. I work so hard in-between my pregnancies to get back to what I feel like is Tara Leavitt....mentally but so much more physically. The last time I had a C-Section it scarred me so bad.....I freaked out.....it was awful....catch my drift yet? While I was recovering in the hospital with Lyla I asked my doc how my uterus looked & everything. He told me it looked thin....He said it was a little odd it had thinned out after only 2 kids. Also my bladder had attached itself to another organ....what the heck?? (he wasn't concerned about that though. I asked if I could have anymore and he said "Sure I'm not gonna tell you that your done, but there might be a limit on the number of children". He also said that my next baby would have to be taken at 37 weeks if it was healthy to avoid my uterus rupturing. Another fact that has scared me. I thought for at least a year I wouldn't/couldn't do that EVER again. But, around March I was sitting in Evelyn's room watching the girls play together. And the Holy Ghost whispered to me there is at least one more little spirit that is waiting to come down and join our family. It hit me like a ton of bricks that feeling. Once you get that as a mother it doesn't go away and can't be ignored either. 

 Since I thought this might be my last one....we wanted to wait to tell people. The waiting only lasted about three weeks since we found out. Usually my mom knows when I am thinking of trying again and my sisters but Trent and I kept it to ourselves and we had a hoot doing it as well.  

 For some reason I was excited I was pregnant but was always worried about that baby and if it was ok....I just felt a little off and different from my last pregnancies.  That being said we had told some family members around 6 weeks of being prego. About a week later I started to bleed, I knew something was wrong.....because it was like a period... I was preparing for the worst. I called the doc a week before to make my first appointment. By this time I was glad I had one so that I could get some answers. I took Evelyn to my Monday appointment and left Lyla with my Mom, it was so much easier without her..life saver. 

 I met with a nurse and explained my past history with pregnancies and such. Then she asked how I was feeling. I told her about the bleeding and that I didn't think I was pregnant any more. She told me the best thing would be to do a Quant blood test to check the HCG level. She assured me it was very possible the baby was fine, and it's common for women to bleed like that. I went home still wondering the condition of my baby. A little doubtful, until I received a call the next day (Tues.) the same nurse told me I had a high HCG number and I am still pregnant. But, for safety reasons I needed to do another Quant test Wed. to make sure my numbers went up. They were very nice to not make me drive back to St. George. I only had to go to Mesquite to do it. I went in still a little skeptical the outcome would be good. But, had hope from the previous convo I had with the nurse not even 24 hours ago. They took my blood and I went home waiting for the results. I called all of my sisters to keep them informed. While talking to my sister Kendra the nurse called me...so I got off with Kendra and said I would call her back. 

 "Hello....the nurse identified herself then took a deep breathe before telling me the news. "Tara, we got the quant results back and well.....it doesn't look good. Your number went from 241 to 84. That indicates to us that you will lose this baby and your body is rejecting it. I am so sorry". She said I had to do another quant test on Friday. I tried to be as cheery and normal as I could on the phone thanked her and hung up. Called Kendra right back and really really lost it in tears. She was great to talk to. I had a tough time not having my mom close, she was at girls camp and had no service.....it felt unfair I couldn't cry to my mother. So my sisters got to hear it. I was so grateful to have the support of my family. Thurs. I started another heavy bleeding period. So I knew this was it. 

So Friday I made the drive to the hospital in Mesquite and got the quant test once again. About 5 hours passed by, and I couldn't take the suspense (not that I thought the results were any different) so I called the doc's office she hadn't heard back from the hospital so she said she would call me back. Ring Ring: "Tara, your number dropped to 41 now....be on the lookout for tissue like stuff to come out, that will be the baby if you haven't already passed it. Take a pregnancy test in about 2-3 weeks and if its negative your ok. If it's not call us".
 And then came the WAIT....WHICH WAS THE HARDEST PART OF ALL. DID I PASS MY BABY ALREADY?? WILL I HAVE TO HAVE A D&C? IS THIS OVER WITH YET?
 I was able to avoid a D&C and finally got over with it. I feel like my body is still recovering from it all. It has really helped me to talk to friends that have also dealt with losing a baby. Whenever you think your life is too hard, you hear of others who have it tougher than you do. I am so grateful for friends that I can lean on.
Miscarriages are SO EMOTIONAL, THEY JUST TEAR YOU APART, AND YOU WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG OR WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY....WHEN IT REALLY IS UP TO THE LORD, AND HIS PLAN FOR YOU. I KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO GROW TROUGH THIS TRIAL TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MYSELF AND TO FEEL HIS LOVE FOR ME.
**I am grateful for the experience now and wouldn't take it back. Yesterday I was outside with Evelyn and I asked her what she wanted or liked. I just wanted to start a good conversation with her. She said..."Well, I just want a baby so badly, I want you and Daddy to have one. They are just so cute and tiny. I already have a sister and now I really need a brother....OK". I just started smiling she is so sweet and I can't believe how grown up she is getting to be. The spirit touched my heart with love. I told her someday I hope we can have a little boy in our family. But, we might not and that I loved her and Lyla & Daddy so much. I hope to have  a normal healthy pregnancy again. And I would love a boy and keep dreaming about one, but I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. My girls are my world and are so fun to have. I am counting my blessings everyday:)