Photos to remember. ..

Putting On A Brave Face....

It is that time in my life again. To put on a brave face and try to get pregnant once again. I had a miscarriage June 2012 and have been trying to conceive ever since.
I haven't opened up about my whole ordeal but once again I know it is part of the healing I need. I have resisted for a very long time. I have been inspired by others today to write down my feelings and what I have been going through. Life is short and we never know when we won't be able to write down our feelings or forget them.
After I had my miscarriage and I had tried for a year my doctor thought it would be wise to do a HSG test. This is a test that tells if your uterus is clear, if there is any blockage in the tubes, if you have scar tissue that type of thing. I bravely drove myself to the hospital and had it done. IT WAS HORRIBLY PAINFUL!! Because my left tube was completely blocked. And to unblock it or clean it out they had to put lots and lots of fluid up there. I felt as though someone picked up my uterus, hucked it across a gym floor and then hooked it with a fishing hook, reeled it in and placed it back inside of me.They told me I had no scar tissue from my previous 2 c-sections and that everything else looked great.
I talked to my doctor once again and he was happy to know I had a blocked tube. He figured that was the problem, and that I now would conceive very soon. I tried for a few more months and no luck.
He then put me on a fertility drug called Femera that is a newer, better, less side effects, kind of Clomid. I took it for one month, went and got my blood done and was late that month on my period. My doctor told me to take an at home pregnancy test and it was negative and my period did come. I was heartbroken once again.
I told him I needed a break and took at least 3 months off. It has been wonderful to not think about conceiving every day. And try super duper hard to make one. That is not very fun. I told him I would retry in Jan.
Well, it is close to Jan. and I am once again going to put my brave face on and try to conceive. But I am limited to hurt. If it doesn't happen in the next four months I may have to be done. I feel so numb to it all now. Women who can keep trying for months and months and lose one baby after another are amazing to me. Bravo to you brave, brave souls!!
I have moments where I know if I just had my two girls I would be so grateful and we would be happy and fine. But, I don't want to regret in 10 years that I didn't try hard enough to have another.
I have been to the temple about it and have cried to my Heavenly Father and have been wanting to know what His plan for my family is. Am I done, am I not. All I felt was to feel at peace for what my life is now and for what I have now that is it.
Going through all of this I would never take back my trial of losing a baby and infertility because it has taught me to love more, and know what others go through, and become very close with my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ knows that pain and suffering I am in, because He suffered for me and everything I go through in my life. I trust and love Him. He will carry my sorrows.

Family Pics 2013: Best we have ever taken!! Thanks mom